So, i've been a little M.I.A in the past few weeks...couple of crazy things have happened.
I decided to start streaming live on an internet channel on justin.tv/lizmoney
i tried mogulus.com and ustream.com but mogulus takes too much bandwith
or something, and i got weird buzzing noises on ustream, so i tried
justin.tv. i still have a few odd issues with the sound, i have no idea
what the problem 0is, perhaps it's my really ghettois webcam.
So on my maiden broadcast, i'm havin a good time, talkin to peeps all
over the world, when my boyfriend who is a marine and stationed in iraq
pops up on instant messenger. As a Marine, he doesn't have a webcam, or
even the satellite phone given to him at any regular intervals, so when
i can catch him online, it's a rarity. So, i take a small break from
webcasting to chat a bit with him, and lo. what? where is this
conversation going? he's what? BREAKING UP WITH ME. My boyfriend whom
i've been supporting and haven't seen since last december is breaking
up with me from Iraq over instant messenger in front of an
international audience. i can't believe this. i keep it rolling. hell,
i'm broadcasting my life, and this is what's happening in my life, so
why cut the camera off yet? It doesn't take long. he's made up his
mind. I have no idea why he broke up with me. He said he needed space.
space.
He is in FREAKING IRAQ.
All i can come away with is that being at war, in Iraq is better than
being my boyfriend. Seriously? Seriously. Granted, i don't know what
it's like over there, he's in a situation that no one can understand
unless they have been there. They know that they are out there for
nothing. They know that what little good they are doing for individual
people is not helping out in the long run. They know it's bullshit.
He's not a very militaristic person. Looking at him, you'd never think
he's a military man. He doesn't love guns, violence, or anything like
that. I doubt he enjoys being brainwashed into the machine he has to be
when he is over there. But he has his own reasons for joining and i
know there is a sense of pride in being a Marine. I was proud of him,
too. But i don't know who he is anymore. Some say that he is breaking
up with me to make it easier for him to endure the deployment. Those
that knew us can't believe he dumped me. He spent a year waiting for
me, just being my friend b/c i was in a relationship when we met.
But he's got his mind made up. I realized he does not accept me for who
i am. His love comes with conditions. Conditions that involved me
changing myself as a person to maybe meet whatever requirements he's
been dwelling on in the desert. He started only to focus on money, only
wanted to hear if i've made any extra cash. he wanted me to get a
second job while he saved up all the money, and wanted to know where
the small amt of money he sent home to cover his rent and his share of
the bills was going. I know he gets paid a stipend on top of his salary
that i supposed to go towards financially maintaining his residence
while he's on deployment. I only asked him to keep paying his share of
the rent and a few bills. He didn't want to do that. But he didn't move
out of my house either.
So he expected me to get a second job on top of dealing with him being
gone, and going through my first deployment, wondering if he'll be
alive or dead every day, i have no support network, i don't know anyone
in the military or anyone who has ever dated anyone in the military.
And all he wants out of this deployment is to hoard up all his earnings
plus the money he was getting paid for to maintain the house that he
didn't want to send home.
Whatever his side really is, he's not told me, and doubt that he ever
will. He'd never skip out on a lease on roomates that he doesn't even
know well, but he can just up and send his boy over to get all his
stuff out of my house and that seems ok to him b/c he's not going to
have to send any more money home. Never mind how he's pulled out my
whole world from underneath me. AND skipped out on his lease. So much
for honor and all that.
I'm not bitter, I'm not even that angry anymore. Just disillusioned and
a whole different kind of trust has been broken. I suppose it's better
now than in the long run, i feel that if we had kids and they needed
braces, would he skip out too b/c he didn't want to invest in his kid's
braces? That is a sad sad thing to thought to come into your head about
your significant other.
So that's why i've been absent from the internets. Since the breakup
happened online, i was pretty e-shy there for a few days. I couldn't
bring myself to get online. Like having an aversion to the bar you and
an ex used to frequent. And of course, the radio has been my enemy. All
the songs that i could have not wanted to ever hear again came on. But
the analog days did me good. I have had time to regroup, rethink and
rebuild myself, and i'm back.
I log back on after 3 days offline, and my twitter peeps are all "3
days of no lizmoney!!! are you ok?" and to a bunch of emails from the
justin.tv peeps asking if i'm ok since i haven't broadcasted since.
Even my socialbrowse.com peeps were wonderin where i was, and Chris
Pirillo himself said some kind words to me. So even though most of my
support group has been virtual, it's real peeps behind the screens and
it helped me get through the tough times.
Ah, till the next dramas....
Latest Comments