i haven't really gone into the effects of this deployment on here, and a lot of people have asked why i haven't, that I really should blog about it out, since i don't have anyone who is going through this with me.

Going solo because of a deployment is definitely something that no one can relate to unless they have been through it themselves.
i know there is nothing to say, it's ok. Although i'm not the one deployed, even though i have pride in The Kick and his ability to rise to the call of duty, every day still sucks. it's not like the suck of a breakup, b/c you know that you will eventually get over that suck, and that each day will suck just a little less. Not so in this situation. It's going to suck just as hard every day until the moment you see him on US soil - until you reach out and grab him to make sure he's for real.

And as an added bonus, even that day is not something you are given to look forward to, b/c you don't even know when that will be. He doesn't even know himself, so obviously, you don't know. Ambiguity abounds.

The concept of infinity becomes suddenly clear, and then in turn, you don't understand what it means to "have an end in sight." There is no action without a reaction.

The first thing i did pick up was that i can see the thoughts behind people's sympathetic looks, that they are thinking that they are glad that they have their girl/shorty/boo/mang/boyfriend/fuckbuddy/mistress/bootie call/abusive husband/overbearing wife/belly-up floating goldfish to go home to and that they are not me, no matter how dope my Puma kicks are at that moment, no one wants to walk in my shoes.

I also haven't slept since last December.
Ever hear of the stories about sleep deprivation resulting in genuine psychotic behaviors? It's true. I have come to recognize when i'm starting to actually go a little psycho. This handy checklist is pretty much how it goes down.

Hey, i am actually an over achiever- b/c while i'm currently only on day 3, i'm exhibiting full on behaviors that are slated for day 4. go me living up to all that potential.

So if i'm acting out of sorts, and when i say stuff that is fucked up and inappropriate even for me, you can be certain that i'm hovering in the latter stages of sleep deprived psychosis until the weekend comes and i slip into a coma for a day and a half. i haven't had a 2 day weekend in months. it's Friday, then Sunday for me nowadays.

Night 1. Most people are capable of going without sleep for a night. The experience is tolerable if uncomfortable.

Night 2. The urge to sleep is much stronger, particularly between 3-5 a.m., when the body temperature is at its lowest.

Night 3. Tasks requiring sustained attention and mental calculations become seriously impaired. This is particularly the case if the task is repetitious and boring. Again, the early hours are the most crucial to needing sleep.

Night 4. From this night onwards, periods of micro-sleep occur. People stop what they are doing and stare into space for up to three seconds. The end of micro-sleep is accompanied by a return to full awareness. Confusion, irritability, misperception and the 'hat phenomenon' occur. In this, a tightening around the head is felt as though a hat too small for the head is being worn.

Night 5. On top of the effects previously mentioned, delusions (false beliefs) may be experienced. Intellectual and problem-solving abilities are largely unimpaired.

Night 6. Symptoms of depersonalization occur and a clear sense of identity is lost. This is called sleep deprivation psychosis. Adapted from Huber-Weidman, 1976.

The effects of sleep deprivation are more psychological than physical. Reflexes are impaired but heart rate, respiration, blood pressure and body temperature show very little change. The main physical consequences seem to be hand tremors, droopy eyelids, problems in focusing the eyes and a heightened sensitivity to pain.

I know that everyone is different, and my particular flavor of psycho also includes shakey hands, loss of balance - it's extremely hard to walk straight, my eyes don't focus, a tip that i'm in the crazy is if i'm sporting a huge font on my computer screen. (made much easier by the firefox NoSquint extension) and there have been times when i've just been so exhausted i wish i could cry. but i'm too effin tired to muster up such energy. I need to save it all up for the drive home from work, i drive a 6-speed stickshift.

Thats a bit of my new daily, dramas free even.

i wonder if this post even makes sense, iv'e got the font on huge and still not focusing well....