ok, this is totally corny and take this as a warning and proof that lack of sleep brings about actions and behaviors that you would not do if you were your normal sane self. one 4:30am night as i was having another sleepless deployment night i was browsing the apple apps store and came across a tarot card a day app...and as i had just been reduced to watching some "women's show" on that happened to be about vampires or wiccan women who were living such "alternative lifestyles," i was a little sucked into the app.

so i picked today's card and it is this:

The Sun:
symbolizes: Joy, Success, Happiness, Completion

The sun has arrived and signifies a new beginning. As the dawning of the sun indicates a new day, so the dawining of the sun indicates a new beginning. You have been through a period of change and reflection and you have started on your new path, stronger, wiser and full of new energy. This card brings tremendous possibilities as you stand at the dawn of a new age. This card spells the completion of a cycle and the start of a new cycle, during this time it is wise to relax and enjoy the moment between the end of the old and the start of the new phase.

hmmm, well that is actually pretty nice. especially since just yesterday I had The Talk with the ex-Kick, as he was back in country and i guess the air is cleared, and i am at the start of my new phase.

and now for something terribly cute:



The Flintstones - Open Up Your Heart And Let The Sunshine In

i haven't really gone into the effects of this deployment on here, and a lot of people have asked why i haven't, that I really should blog about it out, since i don't have anyone who is going through this with me.

Going solo because of a deployment is definitely something that no one can relate to unless they have been through it themselves.
i know there is nothing to say, it's ok. Although i'm not the one deployed, even though i have pride in The Kick and his ability to rise to the call of duty, every day still sucks. it's not like the suck of a breakup, b/c you know that you will eventually get over that suck, and that each day will suck just a little less. Not so in this situation. It's going to suck just as hard every day until the moment you see him on US soil - until you reach out and grab him to make sure he's for real.

And as an added bonus, even that day is not something you are given to look forward to, b/c you don't even know when that will be. He doesn't even know himself, so obviously, you don't know. Ambiguity abounds.

The concept of infinity becomes suddenly clear, and then in turn, you don't understand what it means to "have an end in sight." There is no action without a reaction.

The first thing i did pick up was that i can see the thoughts behind people's sympathetic looks, that they are thinking that they are glad that they have their girl/shorty/boo/mang/boyfriend/fuckbuddy/mistress/bootie call/abusive husband/overbearing wife/belly-up floating goldfish to go home to and that they are not me, no matter how dope my Puma kicks are at that moment, no one wants to walk in my shoes.

I also haven't slept since last December.
Ever hear of the stories about sleep deprivation resulting in genuine psychotic behaviors? It's true. I have come to recognize when i'm starting to actually go a little psycho. This handy checklist is pretty much how it goes down.

Hey, i am actually an over achiever- b/c while i'm currently only on day 3, i'm exhibiting full on behaviors that are slated for day 4. go me living up to all that potential.

So if i'm acting out of sorts, and when i say stuff that is fucked up and inappropriate even for me, you can be certain that i'm hovering in the latter stages of sleep deprived psychosis until the weekend comes and i slip into a coma for a day and a half. i haven't had a 2 day weekend in months. it's Friday, then Sunday for me nowadays.

Night 1. Most people are capable of going without sleep for a night. The experience is tolerable if uncomfortable.

Night 2. The urge to sleep is much stronger, particularly between 3-5 a.m., when the body temperature is at its lowest.

Night 3. Tasks requiring sustained attention and mental calculations become seriously impaired. This is particularly the case if the task is repetitious and boring. Again, the early hours are the most crucial to needing sleep.

Night 4. From this night onwards, periods of micro-sleep occur. People stop what they are doing and stare into space for up to three seconds. The end of micro-sleep is accompanied by a return to full awareness. Confusion, irritability, misperception and the 'hat phenomenon' occur. In this, a tightening around the head is felt as though a hat too small for the head is being worn.

Night 5. On top of the effects previously mentioned, delusions (false beliefs) may be experienced. Intellectual and problem-solving abilities are largely unimpaired.

Night 6. Symptoms of depersonalization occur and a clear sense of identity is lost. This is called sleep deprivation psychosis. Adapted from Huber-Weidman, 1976.

The effects of sleep deprivation are more psychological than physical. Reflexes are impaired but heart rate, respiration, blood pressure and body temperature show very little change. The main physical consequences seem to be hand tremors, droopy eyelids, problems in focusing the eyes and a heightened sensitivity to pain.

I know that everyone is different, and my particular flavor of psycho also includes shakey hands, loss of balance - it's extremely hard to walk straight, my eyes don't focus, a tip that i'm in the crazy is if i'm sporting a huge font on my computer screen. (made much easier by the firefox NoSquint extension) and there have been times when i've just been so exhausted i wish i could cry. but i'm too effin tired to muster up such energy. I need to save it all up for the drive home from work, i drive a 6-speed stickshift.

Thats a bit of my new daily, dramas free even.

i wonder if this post even makes sense, iv'e got the font on huge and still not focusing well....

oof. i really had planned on doing so much tonight. redesign of the blog, get some care package stuff together, design a new card to send to The Kick, maybe even clean the abject horror that is my house. oh and i was going to paint my nails. i have not gotten to do that in years. instead, i get home and the AC breaks on me. again. long story short, 10:30pm, $200 for the after hours call, and $275 for a new thermostat. yeah i know. that's effing obscene, but this is my 4th thermostat in 4 years. they keep "going out" whatever the hell that means. so this fucking digital box that cost MORE than ANY of the jeans that i own, better be the last thermostat i ever ever have. it comes with a lifetime guarantee/warranty/some kind of -anty. alls i know is that if the thermostat even looks at me sideways, i can call up the big beefy AC guy to come over and fix it. i got a 30 year mortgage. Paul Bunyan the AC guy better not leave that gig for at least that long. packed weekend coming up too. phase II of The Big Makeover. it's jeans shopping day for my makeover client. it's going to be hard core. should i have carbo loaded tonight? gonna need prolonged energy trying to find this girl perfect jeanses. then, dammit. i have a baby shower for one girl i am still friends with but thrown by the 2 girls i am no longer friends with. yeah. thats not gonna be awkward at all. maybe it's a good thing i haven't eaten today. will look extra skinnay tomorrow. and i'm missing an Argentine Tango Milonga night for this, too. oh well. i dearly love my pregnant friend, and i haven't seen her in a while. so i'll be happy to go to her shower. so, sunday will hopefully be the time i can catch up and do what i planned on doing tonight. or just lay in bed and download all the new apps on my ipod touch all day. don't let me forget: -redesign site, perhaps go to movable type -i'm going to focus and be a bit more open about the whole deployment thing. i'm not a Lifetime Army Wives kind of military girlfriend. -design new card for the Kick - GAH. i have to fiish knitting the booties for The Kick's new neice. she was born this morning instead of monday like she was scheduled. i have to get to knitting. jeebus, it's taken me 2 weeks to knit baby booties that are clearly titled "EASY 2 HOUR BABY BOOTIES" amd no. i do not have a decent bootie to show for the 2 weeks i worked on them. so i guess that's actually what i'll be doing on sunday. oh shit. well i better get some sleep then. because i wont' get any thise weekend.

Tags: struggling, house, blog

oof. i really had planned on doing so much tonight. redesign of the blog, get some care package stuff together, design a new card to send to The Kick, maybe even clean the abject horror that is my house. oh and i was going to paint my nails. i have not gotten to do that in years. instead, i get home and the AC breaks on me. again. long story short, 10:30pm, $200 for the after hours call, and $275 for a new thermostat. yeah i know. that's effing obscene, but this is my 4th thermostat in 4 years. they keep "going out" whatever the hell that means. so this fucking digital box that cost MORE than ANY of the jeans that i own, better be the last thermostat i ever ever have. it comes with a lifetime guarantee/warranty/some kind of -anty. alls i know is that if the thermostat even looks at me sideways, i can call up the big beefy AC guy to come over and fix it. i got a 30 year mortgage. Paul Bunyan the AC guy better not leave that gig for at least that long. packed weekend coming up too. phase II of The Big Makeover. it's jeans shopping day for my makeover client. it's going to be hard core. should i have carbo loaded tonight? gonna need prolonged energy trying to find this girl perfect jeanses. then, dammit. i have a baby shower for one girl i am still friends with but thrown by the 2 girls i am no longer friends with. yeah. thats not gonna be awkward at all. maybe it's a good thing i haven't eaten today. will look extra skinnay tomorrow. and i'm missing an Argentine Tango Milonga night for this, too. oh well. i dearly love my pregnant friend, and i haven't seen her in a while. so i'll be happy to go to her shower. so, sunday will hopefully be the time i can catch up and do what i planned on doing tonight. or just lay in bed and download all the new apps on my ipod touch all day. don't let me forget: -redesign site, perhaps go to movable type -i'm going to focus and be a bit more open about the whole deployment thing. i'm not a Lifetime Army Wives kind of military girlfriend. -design new card for the Kick - GAH. i have to fiish knitting the booties for The Kick's new neice. she was born this morning instead of monday like she was scheduled. i have to get to knitting. jeebus, it's taken me 2 weeks to knit baby booties that are clearly titled "EASY 2 HOUR BABY BOOTIES" amd no. i do not have a decent bootie to show for the 2 weeks i worked on them. so i guess that's actually what i'll be doing on sunday. oh shit. well i better get some sleep then. because i wont' get any thise weekend.

Tags: struggling, house, blog

HATERADE. ALL FLAVORS.
i'm still really hating on chicks who are in new relationships and especially the ones who are getting engaged. like, i can't even talk to them, i'm so insanely envious that they are with their Significant Others. and for some reason, i go a good 30+ years without a whole lot of engagements to deal with, i've only had to be in 2 weddings ever. and i was the "best man" for one of them.
but fucking, since the deployment, my sister, my cousin, (both who have never had boyfriends before 2 years ago), 2 peeps that were on 7+ yrs of non married commitment get hitched ALL of a SUDDEN, a friend meets some guy on match and has the nerve to say she is going to outgross me and the Kick (oh HALE NO) 2 other friends got engaged, and my one friend is going to have a chance to be with the guy b/c he's finally separating from his wife and if they can lay low till the divorce is final, then THEY are going to get married! - Hot drama mess, but I'M STILL FUCKING JEALOUS that she gets to be with her mang even if it's on the down down.

So in just about 6 months, its like 6 people getting their man on? what the fuck universe? is being separated from The Kick just not HARD enough for me to deal with? Do i have to deal with literally, EVERYONE i KNOW getting engaged? then TODAY i get a facebook notification about ANOTHER friend getting officially engaged. i hate them all. i really do. i actually haven't corresponded with my cousin since i found out she got engaged. i almost feel bad, but she's so mushily going back and forth about being engaged with my sister that i just feel fucking ill. can i tell them? can i say "i'll be happy for you in december, but until the kick comes back, i really kind of hate you right now, well actually for the next 7 months?" would that help or just confirm me being a bitch? meh. i can't think too hard on that. i don't expect to get engaged soon soon, but i do want it to happen in a timely fashion once he gets back from his deployment and we get adjusted. I joke and tell him that he needs to get over whatever PTSD he will have with the quickness so we can get to planning the wedding and learning the group dance.
i'm really not joking about the group dance part.

i suppose if everyone gets engaged and married before i do, then when it happens to me, i will have no one to compete with and i'll be so fucking obnoxious about it...and they'll all have to take it because we've been through a deployment and survived.

Bitches just better not have babies to override MY EPIC REIGN OF ENGAGEMENTRY. they will be truly truly sorry if they dare pull that shit.

back to reality....fucking. fucking. fucking.......fucking reality...

latest house emergency - my ac or something is leaking profusely and i have a huge sopping wet area by the central ac unit. i can't get to the drainage pipe, so i may have to have an ac guy look at it and take it out just to clear a drain. awesome. i swear, this house makes me thisclose to suicidal. and again. all the girls i know are no fucking help because "their husbands take care of that" more envy and hate. so i'm doing well with alienating myself from just about everyone i know. AND i have no guy friends anymore to just call up and say "be a boy for me, please and look at this" because i just realized that all the guy friends i had were the kind i met randomly during liz gone wild in bars that hoped to get the bootie since they pretty much all disappeared when i got with The Kick. so i don't know what i'm going to do. the xanax my psych rx-ed me for the deployment have actually all been going to house drama.

Tags: deployment, sucks, wtf, thekick

Hey baby,

i had kind of shittay day. it started out ok, kind of slow actually, but i had lunch with my friend amy to look forward to, and the big This American Life screening. I thought that i would have to go to it alone, b/c no one responded to my posting about it, and if ness was in town, karen probably wouldn't be available. but my friend Rob emailed me about it to see if i was going, and then ness was supposed to be out of town, so karen was free also. So we all planned to go. nice turn of events.

but my day went downhill when i found out my insurance coverage for counseling is LESS visits, not even one a month, and a HIGHER copay than what i'm paying now. then i had to spend the afternoon deleting Ward's emails. he only wanted oct 07 through march 08 deleted, so i did a search in his deleted folder for a date range between those dates. b/c he still wanted march and april's emails. well, it crashed his outlook, b/c in just that ONE deleted items folder, there were like 4000 emails. and it took an hour. not exaggerating. for outlook to open up again. and when he called to see what the status was, i told him, and he was like - don't do a search, just go into the deleted items folder and scroll down to last year and delete page by page, and even called our creepy computer guy to see which is the best way to do it, and of course, i did it the wrong way. so i had to go back in and manually delete 3000 emails. now i'm thinking if i just searched the other way, for just jan-aprils emails, and saved them somewhere else, and then just emptied his deleted items folder, i would been better off.

then i spent the hour waiting for outlook to boot up not being able to put the voice recorder/phone/magic black box contraption correctly in order to record the round of customer surveys i had to do. i couldn't get the thing to record. it was awful.

all ihad to look forward to was pho tau bay and then This American Life. but it's THURSDAY. Pho Tau Bay is CLOSED. so was the OTHER Pho place on manhattan. the 3rd pho place turned into a tacky imports store. we ended up getting really bad chinese takeout in some strip mall by the theatre. then i got popcorn and ALL the "butter" dispensers were EMPTY. and my popcorn was dry and salty and stale-ish.

And i started crying in the movie b/c there was a story about an Iraqi dude who escaped being forced into the Iraqi army bc his parents told him to act mentally retarded, and then escaped to the states to go to NYU on a fullbright scholarship. he wanted to know why his country was being invaded, and of coruse, everyone in NYC is all "we didn't want to do it - you have to talk to the people down south and in the midwest to get that answer" so on his summer break, he did. This American Life asked him if he would mind taking their TV crew with him and filming the trip. So he went all over the south and sat in a booth that said "ASK AN IRAQI" they took the idea from Peanuts - where Lucy has that little "ask the psychiatrist" booth. just the talk of the people overseas and mention of this topic made me cry cry cry b/c i missed you so much. and that was like the 2nd piece, so it was hard to turn around and enjoy the next funny piece....but the rest of the movie was every enjoyable. completely nerdy.

There was a group of 8th grade boys who were training to be standup comedians. only one kid was actually very funny. and for some reason, their nightmare turning point year was 5th grade for almost all of them. like it was the year of constant bullying and loner-ism and where they figured it was better to be funny than to be beat up. but also poignant b/c even at such a young age, humor does come from personal pain. and their coach said "it doesn't matter what you say. it's better to be liked than to be funny" that was her STAND UP COMEDIAN advice? isn't that why they are turning to stand up, bc for some reason, they are NOT liked? thats some messed up advice.

then there was a live Q&A session. and the one funny kid from the piece stepped to the mic and asked a not really serious question, but was quite charming and actually natrually funny. he'll be on tv when he grows up.

then afterwards, i tried to end the night on a good note and made everyone go to gelato with me but....even the gelato at la divina was just meh. and i thought it would be really good b/c it was straight milk chocolate. you can't go wrong with that, but it was no brocatos. when i dropped off rob, i met his dog, a poodle/pomeranian mix. seriously, makes pixel look huge. she gets too excited, and literally leapes out of my arms and flings herself onto the hardwood floor. so it looks like i threw his dog across the room. awesome. and then come to find out the dog is like 16. thats like 80 in human years? i could have broken that dogs hip, and it would have been all over.

such a dissatisfying day and night. my two highlights were catching you online, and the show. i have to admit, i've been on edge since last friday and i don't know how to deal with it all.

and now i have to deal with my sister's visit. and have to act happy for her, even though i'm in serious "fuck all you happy couples" mode.

but i love you and i was very very glad to have caught you online. i was going to go straight to bed, but logged on hoping to catch you, and i did.

motomail is finally up and i can log in, so you'll get the abridged version. since i can only send a 1 page letter through moto mail, the full long versions will be here, although i don't know if you want to spend all your online time reading this. i don't know. but i'll just keep doing it in case you do want to read my ramblings.

love you forever, baby. please come back to me soon.

the sav

Hey baby,
motomail is down, and i just wanted to get a start on writing you so that i won't forget anything.
i hope that you are doing as well as can be, and that the days start going by quickly.
i've really been unsettled since our fight, and perhaps some of it was due to all the stress of you leaving and not wanting to be apart from each other, that we had to fight. i know the finances are a real issue, and i do have to work on my habits, but i have to believe in my heart that you would not just up and leave me with nothing, that you still want to make a life together, even though we are physically apart.

I hope to God that our fight was an emotional survival tactic to buffer our pain of being apart, of you being out there, of me worrying about you and wondering how you are doing, wishing for the days to pass by faster. And i would like it to be resolved as soon as we can, so that we can say "we had our pre-deployment fight, it was false feelings of anger, and we really don't want to treat each other badly" and put it behind us. We must be stronger than this deployment, aren't we? I had no doubts about us before, I don't want to have doubts now. Not when we aren't even in the same country. I hope that you feel the same way about the argument. We have nothing else to fight over, so this was it, and our time together was so incredibly good, that our pre-seperation fight had to be just as big.

i still think that i'm going to get a txt from you any second now. i even came across my old old cell phone and tried to look through all the txts from you before it died. i have been writing down your texts in the black book so that i can read over them also. i know if i locked all the texts on my phone, i would not have any room to receive new texts. my inbox would be permanently full.

boy. i really wished you were here today. Ness must have been out of town b/c i finally heard from Karen and she popped up on IM: "wanna go to target?" i immediately said NO and suggested that we do something else besides that. so we decided on cooking some dinner and hanging out at the house. Remember how edgy she was at pancake breakfast? times that by like, MEEEEEEELION. she hadn't eaten in hours, and she came over and we had to pick up a few last things for the recepie, and when we went to the store, she was crazy fast and so WE HAVE TO GET THIS FOOD RIGHT NOW that she didn't see anyone else in the store and like RAN OVER people to get the shit we needed. there was this big black dude that she didn't even seem to see that was in her path and she just ran by him and if he hadn't stopped short, she really would have ran him down.

And then she took control of the dinner and prepped everything and was SUPER anal about following the recipe. it was really weird. it was a totally simple recipe, seriously, took maybe 10 min to prep and like 6 ingredients. but she was all trying to measure out the burger patty size to the size it said on the recipe, and check if she put in one and a HALF teaspoons only of garlic. she actually used a measuring cup. but i just let her go b/c the sooner she got everything cooked, the sooner she could eat and calm the fuck down. and then she got impatient and couldn't wait for the timer to run down to take out the food from the oven. it was giving me anxiety just to be around all that.

then she told me to use wax paper to line the broiling pan, since i didn't have any foil. i figured, people use it for baking, i guess it will work. so i slid in the pan under the broiler and right when i shut the door, FIRE. FIRE in the oven. all the wax paper just burst into flames.
that was awesome.

i thought she'd chill after she got some food in her, but totally not. I think it is b/c we used ground turkey instead of beef or real meat, so there was no food coma to calm her down....we watched Top Chef, and the challenge was to make a kid friendly dinner on a budget of 10$. and now, they BLATANTLY go to Whole Foods. They don't even try to hide it anymore. what does 10$ get you at fucking WF? it's like, the cover charge just to get in, and they showed them shopping, getting MEAT from the MEAT COUNTER? (which is right across from WhoBo in that store also) like, big packages of meat. the discrepancy was appalling. some dude got fennel. FENNEL? Fennel AND meat? for under 10$. no fucking way, dude.

So we are all bitching about how that is complete bullshit, and karen just gets loud. and louder. and ness is all "shhh baby. you don't have to be so loud" and she's all "why are you censoring me?" and he's all "i'm not censoring you, you are just being loud" and she is all "no i'm not' except, she is, and they got into a little fight for reals.

so, it was nothing like our relaxing dinners together. i really wished you were here...to see them fight!

but for real, i wished you were here b/c our dinners are so relaxing and a nice way to end the day and spend time with each other and succumb to food comas and cuddles on the couch.

i love you baby, for ever and for true. please be safe, and come back to me soon.

love,
The Sav