in an attempt to do this little project today, i had an epoxy incident and have now glued my doorbell shut. i'm clearly not made for crafting, or DIY anything.

now i have to find a new doorbell situation.

Fun: DIY Enter Key Doorbell

Funny how what was once something that brought two people together can have totally different meanings once the two people split up. This song was totally one of me and the Kick's favorite songs, i even fancied him my own JT at times. We always had such a good time dancing and music was something that was a big part of our good memories and good times.

And now this song is pretty painful. Knowing that i had such strong feelings towards him, that i thought we had something so special, all for naught, because he obviously never felt the same way. I still would rather have not ever have felt how i felt with him rather than the "better to have loved and lost etc" bullshit. I put all i had into the relationship. The deployment. I stayed true, faithful, supportive and proud of him. I have  never felt like anyone i ever went out with was a waste of time, even in the really bad ones. But I wasted it all on this one. I wasted a year of my life and heart and tears on someone who would reject me and all i had to offer for a few grand in the bank. That's what i was told, anyway. I honestly don't know the why.

But i'm taking this song in a way to know that i do have the capacity to put myself and my heart out there completely and that I can do it again. It will come back around to me, and that there is someone out there who has the ability to make what goes around come back around, and for me i know that what will come back around to me will be awesome and wonderful and actually genuine, because what i put out there was pure and truthful, vulnerable, and most of all genuine.


Lyrics | Justin Timberlake lyrics - What Goes Around Comes Around lyrics

A year ago today, I was dying on the inside because the (now-ex) Kick had gotten his orders to be deployed to iraq.

Now, it's the week when he is due back any day now, and instead of prepping with joy that he is coming home, i am prepping with sadness and indifference for him to come get his stuff out of my house. He broke up with me, cerebrally, i get it. He wanted out. you can't make someone stay who doesn't want to. I may never know why he left, but i've accepted it.

It was the last thing i thought i'd be doing upon his return from his deployment.

So, i've been a little M.I.A in the past few weeks...couple of crazy things have happened.

I decided to start streaming live on an internet channel on justin.tv/lizmoney
i tried mogulus.com and ustream.com but mogulus takes too much bandwith
or something, and i got weird buzzing noises on ustream, so i tried
justin.tv. i still have a few odd issues with the sound, i have no idea
what the problem 0is, perhaps it's my really ghettois webcam.

So on my maiden broadcast, i'm havin a good time, talkin to peeps all
over the world, when my boyfriend who is a marine and stationed in iraq
pops up on instant messenger. As a Marine, he doesn't have a webcam, or
even the satellite phone given to him at any regular intervals, so when
i can catch him online, it's a rarity. So, i take a small break from
webcasting to chat a bit with him, and lo. what? where is this
conversation going? he's what? BREAKING UP WITH ME. My boyfriend whom
i've been supporting and haven't seen since last december is breaking
up with me from Iraq over instant messenger in front of an
international audience. i can't believe this. i keep it rolling. hell,
i'm broadcasting my life, and this is what's happening in my life, so
why cut the camera off yet? It doesn't take long. he's made up his
mind. I have no idea why he broke up with me. He said he needed space.

space.

He is in FREAKING IRAQ.

All i can come away with is that being at war, in Iraq is better than
being my boyfriend. Seriously? Seriously. Granted, i don't know what
it's like over there, he's in a situation that no one can understand
unless they have been there. They know that they are out there for
nothing. They know that what little good they are doing for individual
people is not helping out in the long run. They know it's bullshit.
He's not a very militaristic person. Looking at him, you'd never think
he's a military man. He doesn't love guns, violence, or anything like
that. I doubt he enjoys being brainwashed into the machine he has to be
when he is over there. But he has his own reasons for joining and i
know there is a sense of pride in being a Marine. I was proud of him,
too. But i don't know who he is anymore. Some say that he is breaking
up with me to make it easier for him to endure the deployment. Those
that knew us can't believe he dumped me. He spent a year waiting for
me, just being my friend b/c i was in a relationship when we met.

But he's got his mind made up. I realized he does not accept me for who
i am. His love comes with conditions. Conditions that involved me
changing myself as a person to maybe meet whatever requirements he's
been dwelling on in the desert. He started only to focus on money, only
wanted to hear if i've made any extra cash. he wanted me to get a
second job while he saved up all the money, and wanted to know where
the small amt of money he sent home to cover his rent and his share of
the bills was going. I know he gets paid a stipend on top of his salary
that i supposed to go towards financially maintaining his residence
while he's on deployment. I only asked him to keep paying his share of
the rent and a few bills. He didn't want to do that. But he didn't move
out of my house either.

So he expected me to get a second job on top of dealing with him being
gone, and going through my first deployment, wondering if he'll be
alive or dead every day, i have no support network, i don't know anyone
in the military or anyone who has ever dated anyone in the military.
And all he wants out of this deployment is to hoard up all his earnings
plus the money he was getting paid for to maintain the house that he
didn't want to send home.

Whatever his side really is, he's not told me, and doubt that he ever
will. He'd never skip out on a lease on roomates that he doesn't even
know well, but he can just up and send his boy over to get all his
stuff out of my house and that seems ok to him b/c he's not going to
have to send any more money home. Never mind how he's pulled out my
whole world from underneath me. AND skipped out on his lease. So much
for honor and all that.

I'm not bitter, I'm not even that angry anymore. Just disillusioned and
a whole different kind of trust has been broken. I suppose it's better
now than in the long run, i feel that if we had kids and they needed
braces, would he skip out too b/c he didn't want to invest in his kid's
braces? That is a sad sad thing to thought to come into your head about
your significant other.

So that's why i've been absent from the internets. Since the breakup
happened online, i was pretty e-shy there for a few days. I couldn't
bring myself to get online. Like having an aversion to the bar you and
an ex used to frequent. And of course, the radio has been my enemy. All
the songs that i could have not wanted to ever hear again came on. But
the analog days did me good. I have had time to regroup, rethink and
rebuild myself, and i'm back.

I log back on after 3 days offline, and my twitter peeps are all "3
days of no lizmoney!!! are you ok?" and to a bunch of emails from the
justin.tv peeps asking if i'm ok since i haven't broadcasted since.
Even my socialbrowse.com peeps were wonderin where i was, and Chris
Pirillo himself said some kind words to me. So even though most of my
support group has been virtual, it's real peeps behind the screens and
it helped me get through the tough times.

Ah, till the next dramas....

wtf, breakup, deployment, lizmoney, justin.tv

HATERADE. ALL FLAVORS.
i'm still really hating on chicks who are in new relationships and especially the ones who are getting engaged. like, i can't even talk to them, i'm so insanely envious that they are with their Significant Others. and for some reason, i go a good 30+ years without a whole lot of engagements to deal with, i've only had to be in 2 weddings ever. and i was the "best man" for one of them.
but fucking, since the deployment, my sister, my cousin, (both who have never had boyfriends before 2 years ago), 2 peeps that were on 7+ yrs of non married commitment get hitched ALL of a SUDDEN, a friend meets some guy on match and has the nerve to say she is going to outgross me and the Kick (oh HALE NO) 2 other friends got engaged, and my one friend is going to have a chance to be with the guy b/c he's finally separating from his wife and if they can lay low till the divorce is final, then THEY are going to get married! - Hot drama mess, but I'M STILL FUCKING JEALOUS that she gets to be with her mang even if it's on the down down.

So in just about 6 months, its like 6 people getting their man on? what the fuck universe? is being separated from The Kick just not HARD enough for me to deal with? Do i have to deal with literally, EVERYONE i KNOW getting engaged? then TODAY i get a facebook notification about ANOTHER friend getting officially engaged. i hate them all. i really do. i actually haven't corresponded with my cousin since i found out she got engaged. i almost feel bad, but she's so mushily going back and forth about being engaged with my sister that i just feel fucking ill. can i tell them? can i say "i'll be happy for you in december, but until the kick comes back, i really kind of hate you right now, well actually for the next 7 months?" would that help or just confirm me being a bitch? meh. i can't think too hard on that. i don't expect to get engaged soon soon, but i do want it to happen in a timely fashion once he gets back from his deployment and we get adjusted. I joke and tell him that he needs to get over whatever PTSD he will have with the quickness so we can get to planning the wedding and learning the group dance.
i'm really not joking about the group dance part.

i suppose if everyone gets engaged and married before i do, then when it happens to me, i will have no one to compete with and i'll be so fucking obnoxious about it...and they'll all have to take it because we've been through a deployment and survived.

Bitches just better not have babies to override MY EPIC REIGN OF ENGAGEMENTRY. they will be truly truly sorry if they dare pull that shit.

back to reality....fucking. fucking. fucking.......fucking reality...

latest house emergency - my ac or something is leaking profusely and i have a huge sopping wet area by the central ac unit. i can't get to the drainage pipe, so i may have to have an ac guy look at it and take it out just to clear a drain. awesome. i swear, this house makes me thisclose to suicidal. and again. all the girls i know are no fucking help because "their husbands take care of that" more envy and hate. so i'm doing well with alienating myself from just about everyone i know. AND i have no guy friends anymore to just call up and say "be a boy for me, please and look at this" because i just realized that all the guy friends i had were the kind i met randomly during liz gone wild in bars that hoped to get the bootie since they pretty much all disappeared when i got with The Kick. so i don't know what i'm going to do. the xanax my psych rx-ed me for the deployment have actually all been going to house drama.

Tags: deployment, sucks, wtf, thekick

i'll say it. this whole eco-revolution marketing phenomenon is greatly irritating to me. GREATLY IRRITATING.
like when bad movies are overly hyped and you can't get away from it. i suppose i should be happy that something that is actually good is being shoved down our throats every minute of the day but even it's getting to epically ridiculous proportions.

There's a new eco cable channel that is about to be launched, and since i watch a lot of TLC, i cannot get away from the branding that is all over that channel, since they will be eco-sister eco-channels. I don't appreciate the wave of marketing that is slapping an affiliated channel's blocky logo in the corner of the screen AT ALL TIMES. TLC is now putting a countdown logo in the corner of the screen of all programming at all times and it's eco-fucking obnoxious. the only ad that is stomach-able is the one with Ludacris and Tommy Lee, when Luda says "remember that hotel we stayed at, i filled the hot tub with women instead of water!" ok that was clever, but i just don't buy that he wears jewrry made of recycled rims. i know he hasn't put out a record in a few, but your boy ain't strugglin so much that he gotta be re-bling.

and now...there is an eco-web browser? now, i dig me some flock action, I love the integration with all the social media stuff, my online photo streams, microblogging and blogging clients, but a green browser? really? REALLY? is this really necessary?

Flock Browser: Eco-Edition | Green Content Delivered Daily

so sick of it. this must come across ironic or something because i used to work for Whole Foods, but their philosophy at least had some element of discerning taste in it. WF does have pretty high standards for their products; even if they do not have any for who they decide to put in charge of their stores. it isn't obnoxious, and it's high quality stuff. and coming from being the buyer in the bodycare dept, i totally pushed the idea that you CAN be CUTE and environmentally conscious. i definitely squashed pushed aside the "dirty hippie" stereotype and carried lots of makeup and cosmetics, nail polish and glittery stuff, and tried to downplay the patchouli as much as possible. i think i did my part for the environment. by trying to get the smelly hippies to bathe, shave, and put on some damn makeup.

A clean hippie with no dreads who doesn't stink of patchouli, waxes or at least shaves, and bathes with soap is much better for everyone's environment than any tv show.

so its been a year since the 'caine, and my road trip out to california. as i read over the entries, i realize, wow, a lot more happened than what i wrote and i wasn't able to post up the pictures, and it just kinda ended.

well, after the p-nix stay, i did make my way to california. i visited my best friend in san diego, and met her new baybay, Nico. so cute, so wierd that my friend has a baby. all those feelings of the crazy single girlfirend suddenly hit me. i'm in my 30's and the single friend. how wierd. but i guess thats my fate. i knew it all along. its just wierd when fate catches up with you.

then i drove up to the OC and reunited with my long lost cousin. amazing. she looks just like she did the last time i saw her, like 10 years ago. it was awesome to see her. and my other baby cousin, all grown up. last time i saw her, we were babies. well, she was. she's 23 and hot now.

then i went over to my new whole foods. everyone was so great and welcomed me with open arms. the store was small, and there was a family vibe like at good old ABS. so that was promising.

my california stay is best summed up with working, working working. a trip to IKEA that showed me all this cheap furniture that would have saved my last relationship, nordstrom rack goodies (woot blue cults!) and yum. Red Robin cheeseburgers with guac.

i had many a california moment. my favorite was some customer asking about what shampoo "tested best" meaning some guru of hers tested poos? ridiculosity. then she turned around, saw a friend, and was all "have you taken your wheat grass shot yet?!" definitely my first california moment that i didn't think really happened. wheatgrass? really? ok.

and there was all the crazy conspiracy theories about the hurricane that i got from customers: government controlling the weather, new orleans is such a den of distruction that it was god's plan, that somehow, the hurricane was racial. all kinds of good stuff. people are so wierd. and insensitive.

had a good awkward moment, one of the guys asked me if i had in and out yet, and of course, i'm all "TAKE ME TO IT" actually, the question was prefaced with "do you eat meat?" double the fun- sooo WF and soo california to have to always ask if one eats meat first. so we go, and i figure he's younger than me, talking about being in school and all, but when he asks "when did you graduate?" meaning....HIGH SCHOOL. holy crap. when he finds out my age, he says "wow. i'm young" so now i have to know. how old is this kid? "20" TWEN-TY nice. i can't even take him drinking. what am i to do with him? well, he is nice and well mannered. not a bad way to get some in and out. BURGERS. we are talking burgers here.
so that is when i fell out of love with the awkward moment. but he is a cool kid. we went out again, and i met him out at benihana, and i said,"meet you at the bar...or not. ha."

when i wasn't working, i was sitting in traffic. and hating every minute of it. it all finally hit home all those sayings of "you spend [insert percentage here] of your life in traffic" and all i could think of was how i could be doing anything else other than sitting in traffic. after missing a much needed hair appointment due to the hellacious traffic, and also an incident when the traffic made me so pissed/sleepy/tired/mad that i had to decompress at nordstrom rack, i knew i'd be a raging beiatch by the time i got anywhere, i decided that california, or at least the OC was NOT for me.

then it was my visit home to assess the situtation and to see family, friends and unfortunately, go to a funeral of a wonderful wonderful person. the minute i saw my friends, and went to the bar, i knew i would come back home for good. or at least till new orleans sinks. it was so good to see everyone, even though the city was unbelievable. the run, the floodlines on houses that are way way way above my head, the massive amount of flooded cars abandoned everywhere. little things, like on the drive in from alabama, all of a sudden, alll the trees were bent the same way. seeing all the blue tarps on rooftops from the interstate. the layer of flood grime all over everything. fences, walls, windows gone. abandoned, duct-taped up refrigerators out on every corner, codes spray painted on houses, "LOOTERS WILL BE SHOT" spray painted on houses, buildings, storefronts. luckily, i missed the stench. the city was quiet. so quiet.

then we roll up to my 'hood, and i see my house for the first time. the awning is gone, the roof is practically gone, debris everywhere, and the water cover gone from the sidewalk. inside, the house is musty, you can tell no one has been in the house in months. no refrigerator, D has kicked that to the curb too. so for the days i'm here, i've got a cooler for drinks. (alcohol, mostly). and hardly any food joints are open. there is a 2am curfew. national guard is everywhere. somehow i find it comforting. better than the NOPD.

but despite all this, my little neighborhood is flourishing. determined to come back. there is all this post-katrina love between everyone. people on the street greet each other in ways that they never used to. i think that due to the diaspora, people are extra friendly, b/c their groups have disbanded, relocated, etc, and everyone is reaching out to create new bonds and friendships. Oddly enough, it seems like there are many many more good looking people post-K than before the storm. lt's like only the cute survive. Darwinism at its best.

in a bar, i run into a co-worker of mine, who says that my WF is opening up in January. it gives me great excitement and i get in touch with my supervisors to let them know that whenever they are ready to open the store, to get in touch with me so that i can come back home to work.

so i go back to california with a new sense of knowing where home is. and no one is more surprised to learn that it is new orleans than i.

my time in california was not long enough for me to reconnect with all my old friends, but i made great new friends that i know i will keep in touch with and i hope will remember me as their crazy refugee. i think i definitely made my mark at the california store x-mas party, at least. and my store team leader did want me back when they open their new huge store. so i think i made a good impression.

my last night in california, my co-workers took me out and we had a great time. its always a shame when it takes the fact that i'm leaving to get everyone together to go out. the goings out is so much different out there. well, i guess everywhere is different than going out in new orleans. everyone goes out earlier, and 2am shut down. and a looong drive home.

my last day in california was sad, of course. leaving my cousins, my best friend from college, my new crew, who desperately wanted me to stay stay stay.

getting OUT of california was a fucking nightmare, of course. got a late start, missed an exit, got lost and CAUGHT IN RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC. holy fuck. my biggest fear was what if i had to pee!!?!?!?! there was no end in sight. finally i got out of there and on the road. free. free free.

the drive home was uneventful. no breakdowns, and i was just bookin it to get home in time for xmas.

i finally got home, got my new sexxy refrigerator (stainless steel, yo!) new bed, cleaned up and got back to work. seeing everyone from before the storm was amazing. and sad to know that a lot of people did not come back. but we got a new crew and it's special. the opening day of the store was exciting. customers were literally crying they were so happy the store opened. and i admit, i was excited too. that post-k love, and all that.
aaaand what happened the day after opening? power outage. quite the bummer. but up again the next day. so that was good. many people saw the reopening of the WF as the sign that uptown was back. and i can agree on that.

so now, a year later, the city is kind of coming back, nowhere near 100%, population is not what it used to be and there is a shift in population. the talk of the "latinization of new orleans" yes, most of my neighbors have been replaced with hispanic workers (i'm really tired of them whistling and staring at me). we now have a spanish channel on tv. all signs in lowe's and home depots are now bi-lingual. exotic dancers are making a ton of cash. yes. i thought about it. hell, i need funds for a new roof and to pay off the sexy fridge and new mattress.

mardi gras was awesome. so much fun. one of my co-workers from california popped up in town. i took him and his brother out and went to parades. whee! it was SO awesome to see him. yay Mike from dairy! and mardi gras day was so much fun. everyone was very very excited to have it, even though it was compressed into a week instead of the usual month.

so even though so cal wasn't for me, for the most part, i had a great time, and was incredibly glad i went. making the cross country drive was incredibly empowering, and i know a few things about myself now. best of all, i lost almost 30 lbs out there. food just isn't as good as it is here.
so home is home, and even though i'm now in my fat jeanses, i'm happy to be back.

till next hurricane season and new adventures! cheers.

chillin in Amarillo, TX. i took a later start today b/c the drive wasn't too too far, and i didn't want to drive in the high heat of the day. but awesomely, there was great weather in OKC and all the way to Amarillo. the best thing about hurricanes is that the weather before and after is the best. cool and breezy and clear. i didn't even have to use my a/c for the drive.

unfortunately, i do have a seatbelt tan across my chest. yeah. i know. its hot. all the boys will want to get with me b/c of the big white diagonal stripe across my chest.

downtown OKC was nice. i found a coffeeshop where i could get some food that wasn't junk fast food. theres lots of large corporate art in downtown OKC. its very clean.

at the Love's Truck stop where i stopped to pick up a travel pillow for Pixel, and some shopaholic series book on cd [it is very scary how much i relate to this dang shopaholic girl] i got stopped by some old guy and his buddy b/c he pet Pixel and made some small talk. the guy is a contractor and is eventually going to go to NOLA to help rebuild.

At the next Love's i stopped at to get gas, the old guy and his buddy stopped too. they were also going down to Amarillo, and invited me to have a steak dinner at some crazy steakhouse that gives you the steak free if you eat the huge one. like 96oz? whatever. all i couuld think of was that movie "the great outdoors" with john candy and some random cute boy actor i had a crush on and the only reason i watched it.

i was a little "um, i'm a vegitarian, so steak dinner is out, but thanks" while thinking of the bag of pork rinds i can't wait to break into in my car. but i'm not going to dinner with random truck stop old men. i mean, i still have to go pick up that charming hitchhiker outside of the indian reservation.

an aside: Love's Truck stops have good cheap gas, cheap cigs, and clean clean bathrooms, but they all have Subway's in them and they all fucking reek of the stank that is subway. its really gross. i hate that subway smell.

speaking of indian reservations. i saw a billboard for some car dealer or lawyer or some such vermin and the dude's last name was howe, and the billboard was his name all huge, and him standing infront of a huuuge statue of an indian with it's arm raised up. as in "how. me indian" wow. thats effed up.

just for my girl, the Noo - i TOTALLY passed a cornfield maze!! i saw the CORN MACABRE! i tried to take a phone cam pic, but i would have died trying to take a pic and drive.

then i came across something scary. a HUGE white cross rising up from some field. i mean HUGE. it made me think of that random steve martin movie where he was a hack preacher guy. the huge ass cross really freaked me out. i don't even think it was for a church.

for my bacon lovers...you know who you are. i passed one of the big names of bacon's bacon making plant! it was very exciting. i think it was bar-s? the one that comes in the red package. and the billboard before it said "BRING HOME THE BACON" aww yeah. i REALLY wish i had been able to take a pic. but again, i would have died trying to drive and pic, and couldn't frame the shot as i was speeding past. i really did try for this one. if there was an exit for it, i would have gone and tried to take a tour. or get a paper hat.

so actually, this drive was interesting. well. more interesting than previous drives.

i roll into Amarillo, and i see the monstrosity that is the massive steak steakhouse. its like a casino. and its on my hotel room key. maybe i'll keep this one. and no. i didn't go and meet up with old dudes. i settled for pizza delivered to my room.

i do love how the city of Amarillo spells the name with a little pair of cowboy boots for the "L's" dammit. i do wish that i was able to get my awesome Dan Post boots with me. they are quite possibly the sweetest pair of shoes i own (wonderful gift from D) they rock so hard i feel that i may not be worthy of wearing them. well, thats not true, i got the Chip N Pepper jeans that i rock with them. aw yeah.

and what up with putting the ethernet plug behind the tv? my cord is long, but it doesn't reach all the way up to the back of the bed so i can lie in bed and soak up the internet. so i moved the couch from the wall to right in front of the tv and i'v been on it since about 6pm when i rolled in. the last hotel i stayed at rocked, b/c it had wireless. well, it didn't rock so much b/c it wasn't a suite like this one, but whatever. i had wireless and i laid in bed and got my internet on.

travel tip- find the longest ethernet cord they sell and take it. moving around a hotel couch isn't fun. and they don't vacuum underneath these bitches.

tomorrow? Albuquerqueueueueue new mexico! i fucking hate that city b/c the name just keeps going on and on and i don't really know or care to spell it right, and i was also stuck there for 6mos for my first IT assignment. they gave me the most fuuuuhhcked up account for my first assignment. and i was damn tired of hearing nothing but "red or green?" every time i ordered food. do i REALLY have to have chile sauce on my food? even if its just toast? i mean its good and all but on *everything* meh. oooh but i can't wait to get some sopapillas. i'm getting hungry. mabye ABQ won't be too bad after all.

ugh the next two legs of my drive are the tough ones. i need good luck to make it though.
but i'll leave later in the day so i'm not driving in crazy heat, and i get to sleep in. rahoo for 1pm checkout!